Time Out, Time for Self-Doubt

I wonder if this feeling is exclusive to writers and wannabe-writers - the feeling that nothing we articulate stays valid for long, the feeling that we're somehow a fake for saying things we don't have a CONSISTENT 100% conviction on.

I forced myself to pen down..I mean, type down all my thoughts on several blogs because they were beginning to give me very bad headaches. The reason I didn't want an audience is because I doubt myself, I really do.

I hate it when I see other people second-guess and doubt themselves. It is so disempowering and sad to see. And then I find myself, now and then, plunging into a state of guilt over my euphoria, guilt over my confidence, guilt over how good life can be at times. I find one small thing that isn't going like clockwork and then I base my entire person, my abilities, thoughts and impassioned philosophies, on that one single event that didn't go like clockwork after a good-run of things that make it seem like I've been hitting the jackpot every time I pull the lever.

I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that anything worth saying can only be said post-humous or with some kind of delayed expression, to obtain the perspective of hindsight. It's like, unless we have something 'solid', 'material' and 'measurable' to show for, we should keep that big mouth shut and ignore the chatter that's layered itself in one's subconscious and bringing about migraines of self-destruction.

But you know what's funny too? Well, let's take Courage and Perseverance for example. The people who write about all the 'positive thinking' and 'dare to fail' philosophies seem larger than life. These people are not regular folk like us, are they? They've Arrived. And so, we take whatever they say with a pinch of salt, like that's not going to happen to us in the same sequence. We're not suckers, no sir-ee. They have a right to say all these feel-good things because they don't know what it's like to be us. They mention some things like hardships in life, there's some mention of personal events that could possibly parallel some of the things we're going through, but they're not us. The gravity of their situation cannot be as serious as ours!

Besides, anything that's in print and carried by popular retail outlets or has words like, "1 million copies sold worldwide!" or "Best-seller ...." is definitely larger than life. To have a book printed, what more, selling over a million copies is definitely some Material Measurement of Arriving. So how can we relate to those feel-good stories? How can it be stories about Joe Public?

There are many of us who have had our fair share of traumas and abuses from the time we were children. There are many of us who are unravelling in negative directions in life because of the unhelpful beliefs we've held on so strongly to, beliefs that form our Ego. An Ego is necessary for the psychological survival of the human mind - without it, we lose perspective and our Identity in Time and Space and our relation to the world around us. So, it's not so easy to just say, "Well, then just don't have an ego-lah."

It is extremely difficult to have the philosophies I do when I have nothing material to show for. All those other people we read about have achieved either substantial wealth, success or happiness; people like Anthony Robbins and Robert Kiyosaki and Rick Warren and Jack Canfield or even Napoleon Hill. (But I think I read somewhere that Hill was still poor at the time he wrote the book.)And then there was that Malaysian version published a good 15 years ago - Dare to Fail by some over-the-top, middle-aged, self-styled, Chinese-version of Reshmonu. I think his look is a bit dated but maybe it's a generation gap thing because I don't get what's up with the image. And when you don't get the image, you can't really relate to the message.

Life must be much easier when we have millions pouring in on the back of the belief that we have millions made already. It must be a lot more easier (intended)to substantiate "dare to fail" and "law of attraction" when the people who are saying them 'been there, done that' 20 years or more ago! How can we possibly believe that in a world where information feels like it's moving at the speed of sound, the obstacles and triumps that people who are now in their 40s,50s and 60s went through are still relevant for us?

I am both skeptical and optimistic about life. I hope that as more and more people read my blogs, they will apply Caveat Emptor; I write exactly how I was feeling in the preceeding hours. Since we live in a State of Flux and I expect honesty of myself (if such a thing were even completely possible)I might default on the highs I was experiencing. I do wish, of all things, to arrive at a state where I am completely mindful. That way, I can both curb my enthusiasm and watch me inflate myself upon my own expectations only to be deflated to meet the equilibrium that is my perpetually moving, Current State of Flux.

I'm not sure whether it was pragmatism or a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I've been having a good run of luck in the last few months and I had begun to wonder when the bubble might burst. It just did. I can't say I like it when this happens but I did realize that I start losing a sense of perspective when I'm on a seemingly never-ending ride of elation.


But then I tell myself, "So many people like you sabotage yourself the moment you start thinking that Success is an Absolute. Success is a culmination of a process a person's Mind goes through, a process of Faith and Perseverance and Humility to accet setbacks. Success is not a destination, not a platform to stand on and get a standing ovation ; Success does not demand for something to show for. Success comes by itself after a person has trained their mind to not sabotage itself. Look at the way you're talking! It's people like you and being associated with people like you that drags everyone else down."

I was afraid to believe in human potential because what makes us think we're necessarily more deserving than the next? But when I look at other people and see how little of their potential they can see in themselves, I am compelled to challenge my own worst critic. I get torn constantly between risk-taking and the fear of a devastating, humiliating failure. But we tend to ignore the message in Kipling's word, that both Triumph and Disaster are Impostors and we should treat them equally the same. The fear of being wrong, I realized, is what keeps everyone the same, unchanging, in a world that demands for us to change and flow. It is because we are afraid to be wrong in the first place that sets us down in stone.

"Look, we have one life. Whether we are afraid or not, we're going to die. We might as well die knowing we Lived. The whole point of looking towards success is not success itself, but the permission to Live our Dream, the permission to allow ourselves to feel what it's like to be Alive. We cannot Live until we're not Afraid to Live."

I woke up feeling this really heavy weight of being a pseudo-failure. The level of convictions I have been writing at represented the Highs I feel. This blog is my permission to allow a realistic deflation of elation to be be valid, to be presented alongside my usual euphoria and advocacy on my philosophies about Life and Living.